reflux

holey order advisory

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 15:59:24 GMT

PLEASE BE ADVISED, contrary to widespread rumor, Ms. Edna May Hurley is not�I stress NOT�one of our Holey Order. Nor is she a Novice-in-Training. Nor may she conduct Last Rites for the dying.
   Following the unfortunate incident involving Sister Ignacio, Ms. Hurley and the Marysville Men's Glee Club, Ms Hurley was promptly red-listed on our non-admittance log.
   We are appealing to all parishioners of Our Lady of Unspecifc Sorrows, as well as the non-Catholic community, who are going to Hell but we love you anyway: should you see Ms. Hurley, please prevail upon her to return both her habit�cleaned, pressed and unsullied�and Father Julio's 13th century silver Communion Chalice. Use force if necessary. The used dixie cup she left in its stead is simply unacceptable.
   I thank you for your assistance. The sisters thank you. God thanks you.

Yours in Holey Servitude,

Mary Maybelline in Eccelsia, LLP, MdS
Mother Superior
Our Lady of Unspecific Sorrows & Holey Order

announcement

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 18:54:27 GMT

*Lexie enters quietly; posts notice on board*

Attention all Marysvillians

Ms. Edna May Hurley, her minder Jude, and Lexie
Cleopatra Goodbody must make a journey south
for family matters.
Please hold us in your hearts and light a candle.
We will return. Do not forget us, and please keep
the hot tub hot and clean.

Sincerely,
Lexie Cleopatra Goodbody

can you handle it?

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 19:31:50 GMT

BLISS IS COMING YOUR WAY
...are you ready for it?

SEPTEMBER 3rd�OPENING NIGHT

"Don't miss this edgy, must-see extravaganza!"
              �Hiram Heffleman, New York Times

"It's gonna be way better than Gigli..."
                                    �Hettie bin Femmel,
                         Femmel Feed & Grain Gazette

Limited seating!* Tickets now available at
Lexie's Minimart 'n Art Gallery.

*note: rain gear recommended for front row audience

public service announcement

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 02:19:43 GMT

*raps monitor...clears throat*

GREETINGS, BELOVED MARYSVILLIANS...
   It's the lazy, hazy days of summer and all of blogdom seems to have slowed to a crawl. As a result, we will be taking the opportunity to attend to a few other things and do a little traveling�Jude and Edna May will be hiking to Antarctica (aka Los Angeles) and Bunny, Dink and Lexie will be thumbing their way to Chinatown (aka San Francisco) in July.
   SO...while the time between entries will be a good bit longer than usual, Marysville will still be open to any and all who'd like to meditate in the hot tub, compare loufahs, share a Bass Ale with an Ijsbeer, try their luck in the Bes�ksadressean deathmatch arena (that doesn't exist), sing negro spirituals with the Reverend Jim, pick up a curio from the far side, torment Millicent, mess with Heiny, or mambo in the streets 'til dawn.
   We'd also like to take this opportunity to announce several additions that are currently under development which will substantially extend the virtual acreage of Marysville, including: the Marysville Roxy Theatre (playing only the very best in cinematic arts), Lexie's Mini-mart & Art Gallery (showcasing weekly produce specials and cultural art productions), Marysville Police Department ( crime blotters, crime blotters!), the Marysville Sanitarium (ie incident reports from hell), Suki's Diner (offering cuisine not to be believed) and�yes, we kid you not�Our Lady of Unspecific Sorrows, a cathedral of unspecific splendor, complete with Bingo schedule and community outreach events! Also, look for some new 'hidden' delights at DunkelZaubern.
   And don't forget to stop by Svenge Ijsbeer's Bar & Grill (and Robot Factory)! It is magnificent, as is its proprietor, the redoubtable Svenge Ijsbeer.
   Now...EVERYBODY MAMBO!!!!

profile :: heiny fouquette

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 22:23:24 GMT

A WALKING CONTRADICTION, HEINY FOUQUETTE has long been a short-standing member of the Marysville community. While truly one of a kind, he is at the same time one of three identical brothers, as alike and different as Guy Kibbee is to Princess Grace.
Heiny and his brothers�Harcourt and Heathcliff�began life as midget foundlings, deposited anonymously on the home steps of Verne and Esme Fouquette, stalwart members of Puyallup's Calvinist community. A devout but childless couple, Verne and Esme consulted the scriptures and after much debate, adopted the brothers and christened them with the family name. However, as the years passed, the Fouquette triplets found it increasingly difficult to wear the mantle of Calvinism, and at the tender age of 13 ran away from home.
Skillfully disguising their age, the brothers held numerous odd jobs as cat trainers, pastry chefs, airline stewards and wrestling referees, eventually earning enough money to begin a business venture: Mitzvah This!, wherein the brothers, dressed as Barbra Streisand, performed numbers from Yentl! and Fiddler on the Roof for upscale bar and bot mitzvah events. The promising venture failed however when it became clear the brothers knew nothing about musicals, performing, nor any real knowledge or sensitivity to the mitzvah process. After being forcefully ejected from Temple Beth Shalom after faking the lyrics to If I Were A Rich Man, substituting the words:

"If I were a rich man, I would diddle deedle diddle yo' mama�s fiddle, num, num. All day long I'd diddley biddy bums."

for

"If I were a rich man, Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. All day long I'd biddy biddy bum."

the brothers declared bankruptcy and moved to Marysville
...as luck would have it, on the very day Friedrich Foker's Fabuous Freaks�legendary circus extraordinaire�hit town.
Initially hired as road crew, the brothers found circus life fit them like a glove, and eventually formed the Flying Fouquettes, applauded worldwide for their daring trapeze act until a glitch catapulted Heathcliff into a nearby cow pasture. Although unharmed, Heathcliff was never able to fly again, and the act was dissolved. Due to Harcourt's skilled financial investments, the brothers were able to buy out Foker's interest in the circus. Permanently anchoring the circus tent to Marysville's ground, Focker's Fabulous Freaks became Cirque de Marysville...and the rest, of course, is history.

photo captions: [left] Heiny poses with his adoptive father, Verne Fouquette; [right] Heiny fearlessly takes on a female heckler at a Suki's ladies night wrestling match.

buffalo amok in marysville

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 01:17:05 GMT

[ brought to you by the Titus Tidwell Fiduciary Group
   ~ "You can trust us...we have new references" ~

BUFFALO RAMPANT IN MARYSVILLE!
Marysvillians, young and old alike stood agape as a herd of buffalo wandered an upscale neighborhood yesterday, disrupting traffic and alarming homeowners before officers managed to corral them in Effie Breedwell's tennis court.
    More than a dozen police cars and a police helicopter were used to herd the 10 beasts, Sheriff Shankweiller told reporters: "Somehow they figured it out; I've got to give the credit to the creativity of officers Pettigrew and Spornak." Authorities identified the owner of the buffalo but did not immediately release the person's name. A call to a nearby farm was answered by a woman who said the buffalo belonged to her husband, Buzz Burbidge. She declined to give her name.
    Residents in the posh suburb first reported buffalo were seen meandering along the road about 7 a.m. Police shut down several major traffic arteries in downtown Marysville, including a section of the Elmquist Family Meats parking lot, while they tried to anticipate which way the buffalo would roam. Officers eventually managed to maneuver the rampant beasts onto Effie's tennis court about a mile from where they first were spotted.

photo caption: Two of the bison that escaped from Buzz Burbidge's farm run from police and volunteers on Effie Breedwell's tennis court at Happy Horizon's gated community in Marysville. Police coraled the buffalo in the courts before herding them into a trailer and returning them to the Burbidge farm. (AP Photo/Steve Ruark)

ELSEWHERE IN MARYSVILLE:

PANDEMONIUM REIGNED at the Marysville Sanitarium, when Jesus Manuel "Mein Gott" Gottlieb kept sanitarium and police officials at bay for over 17 hours while he hung in faux crucifixion on the newly erected�and highly controversial�Regis Pomfreet-designed cedar-tinfoil-papier-m�ch� cross suspended above the sanitarium chapel's choir loft.
    Reliable sources informed our investigator that Mein Gott was protesting the sanitarium's recent decision to ban indoor shuffleboard tournaments after the prune and maple syrup riots of last year. As of this printing, it is unknown if Mr. Gottlieb's ploy was successful in swaying the institution's decision. Restrained and sulking after his ordeal, Mein Gott refused to answer questions, resorting to singing Ethel Merman show tunes to show his disdain for the entire matter.

profile :: jude parish

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 22:18:32 GMT

LITTLE IS KNOWN ABOUT JUDE PARISH, Marysville's mysterious, semi-permanent resident. What is known, or rumored, is this:
    Often in dark clothing that has an uncanny way of blending into his environment, Mr. Parish is a difficult man to capture on film as cameras repeatedly fail whenever trained directly upon him. He is always seen wearing gloves, usually a pair of black, cottonish material that appear to produce a jolt of static electrical discharge at will. It is rumored that while wearing these gloves, he is able to sense the resonance of certain unnatural objects. He�s also been seen wearing a single glove�one lent to Jude during a recent spate of arson�which appears to have only one purpose: inflicting massive damage. This glove is rumored to have non-retractable knuckle spikes that glow with an unnatural light, and a palm-bar to add stability to the user�s punch; the glove is said to be made from a tough leather-like material.
    Our sources reveal Mr. Parish conducts business with some very interesting people, including Heppi, a dwarf-sized individual who runs an all-purpose smithy, apparently capable of placing advanced protection wards and Geas spells on weaponry and machinery of virtually any design. It is uncertain if Heppi fashioned the previously mentioned gloves, but it is rumored he made certain repairs on Daniel Caiaphias following his first system failure. Rumors also abound regarding an information broker known only as "Jack," to whom Mr. Parish apparently owes quite a few favors after soliciting aid for Daniel.
    Following Daniel�s malfunction and our recent conflict with the Bes�ksadresse, it became apparent Mr. Parish is most reluctant to address problems involving aliens, claiming the organization for which he works is concerned primarily with terrestrial problems. What this organization is or his official position within it is unknown. Nonetheless, it is clear he does have a disturbing level of knowledge regarding mystical artifacts that have recently surfaced around town, as well as many of the recent peculiar incidents, such as the Salt Valkyre.
    Finally, it must be noted that Mr. Parish is frequently seen in the company of a large dog named Shadow. The dog appears to be much stronger than the average canine as her escape from the Marysville Veterinary Hospital and Boarding Facility involved her ripping the front door off her kennel cage. It is assumed she shares the sewer maintenance vault that Mr. Parish reclaimed as living space after his apartment building was leveled in an earlier arson attack still under investigation by the Marysville Police Department.
    While much else about the man is left shrouded in deep mystery, we at Reflux do indeed value what Mr. Parish brings to our community. Aside from his bachelor status and reputedly lethal good looks, given the turn of ongoing dark-doings in Marysville, we suspect his unique services will be much in demand.

photo caption: Jude Parish and Shadow at dusk, moments before disappearing into Marysville's sewer system.

war & peace in marysville

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 19:06:52 GMT

[ brought to you by Svenge Ijsbeer's Bar & Grill
                 (and Robot Factory) ]
           ~ *roar* ...drink!!... *roar* ~

IN AN EPIC SCENE reminescent of the Battle of Pellinor Fields, an armada of inebriated Ijsbeer (extraterrestrial polar bears), led by his royal heiness Svenge Ijsbeer, faced off with Hrothgar Hvalros and his Bes�ksadressean Odobenus Rosmarus elite guard. The stakes? Nothing less than the continued existence of life as we know it.
   Following reports of an as yet unsubstantiated assault by person(s) unknown on the Bes�ksadressean factory earlier this week, Hrothgar declared war on Marysville, threatening to annihilate our planet unless the residents of Marysville surrendered within 24 hours.
   Our salvation came in the person of the Ijsbeer. How they learned of our plight and responded so quickly is still unknown, although rumors involving a beneficent alien and an unusual mouse abound.

   Against a brilliant Puget Sound sun-set, Svenge and his fellow Ijsbeer waged a drunken, but heroic battle to save Marysville-kind. Our sources report that in the final hour, Hrothgar Hvalros sacrificed his entire Odobenus Rosmarus elite guard to save himself...perhaps a wise, if cowardly, decision as dawn revealed the pristine waterfront littered with the bodies of slain and dying Bes�ksadresse.
   With the last fallen Bes�ksadressean, the Ijsbeer took control of P-17 Industries, renaming it Svenge Ijsbeer's Bar & Grill (and Robot Factory), where they will offer a wide assortment of Epicurean alcoholic beverages, superb ursine cuisine and continue production of the HAL9000 robots. However, Ijsbeer-produced models will be completely free of homicidal or psychotic tendencies, and will be made available at a reasonable price to interested buyers. The old HAL9000 models�with the exception of Daniel Caiaphas�have all been destroyed.
   At heart party animals, the Ijsbeer celebrated their resounding victory with Marysvillians throughout the remaining night and into the following morning. Bass Ale flowed and merriment was had by all. We at Reflux raise a bottle of ale to Svenge and welcome him and his fellows to Marysville. Salut�!

photo captions: [top] Svenge Ijsbeer enjoys a well-earned Bass Ale; [middle] the battle rages; the aftermath; [bottom] Boudewijn Ijsbeer takes out an elite Odobenus Rosmarus guard. Additional photos and background information may be found at Svenge Ijsbeer's Bar & Grill (and Robot Factory).

SEQUIM LADIES AUXILIARY OFFICES RAZED
In yet another unexplained arson incident, the building housing the offices of the Sequim Ladies Auxiliary was razed to the ground in the early morning hours following the Great Ijsbeer Battle for Puget Sound.
   While witnesses purportedly saw a young man rushing from the scene with a small contingent of Ijsbeer in tow, said reports remain unsubstantiated. Given their doubtful credibility, Reflux prefers to consider this information moot. Others report Millicent Cowslip-Rundle and her entourage of blue-blood ladies held hands in front of their burning headquarters and sang a ragged rendition of We Shall Overcome, their voices choked from emotion and smoke inhalation.
   Meanwhile, Sheriff Shankweiller reports that although the building itself was demolished, no casualties were incurred. If you have information regarding this incident, you may or may not wish to contact Buddy at the Marysville Police Station.

photo caption: Sequim Fire Marshall Sherman Beedle races to get marshmallows for the brigade.

profile :: daniel caiaphas

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 20:21:44 GMT

WHILE THE ENTITY KNOWN
AS DANIEL CAIAPHAS is not native to Marysville, his presence has served as one of the primary "cataclysts" effecting major change in our sleepy community. According to the inscription on his loufah, Daniel is an advanced android:

"The P-17 synthetic life-form contains the latest
in HAL9000 technology. This lifeform is incapable of causing any damage to humans whatsoever, and will not under any circumstances go insane. The HAL8000 series penchant towards dismemberment, mutilation, arson, kicking puppies, stealing candy from babies, and flagrant abuse of the elderly has been completely eliminated in the HAL9000 series. For more information or to order YOUR synthetic companion, call 011+ 47+22+BES�K-SA-DRESSE from your intergalactically-enabled phone."

Sent by the Bes�ksadresse�a malevolent species of space walruses with a taste for commerce, candy bars, goats and world domination�on a mission to destroy Marysville's residents and enslave its varkling population, Daniel's programming spun out of control when he was accepted and loved by the very people he was sent to destroy.
   After a mysterious reign of terror involving widespread steaking, arson and varkling carnage swept Marysville, Daniel was pronounced defective and 'recalled' by Shard-born, a neutral alien. Unable to accept his loss, however, Jude and Jude Parish interceded, and Daniel was 'repaired' and returned to Marysville.
   Although mysterious incidents of destruction continue to plague Marysville since his return�not the least of which was the recent nuking of Cirque de Marysville�we at Reflux welcome Daniel back into the fold.

photo caption: the P-17/HAL9000 model android, standard issue

[ brought to you by Suki's Diner ]
~ "Come back! We'll try harder!" ~

FEROUK FOUND ALIVE & WELL!
While details are as yet sketchy on this event, we're happy to report young Ferouk bin Femmel has been found and safely returned to his loving family, seemingly none the worse for his harrowing ordeal. Unsubstantiated rumor has it that Ferouk's rescue was due to the heroic efforts of one Bunny Stachelschwein, proprietor of DunkelZaubern, and a mouse named Ernie.

.    .    .    .    .    .    .

STARTLING ARTIFACTS FOUND AT MIT DIG!
Refluxive sources at the MIT dig report Professor Dickwell's team of scientific specialists have uncovered new historically startling discoveries. The new finds�unearthed from the Burbidge's and Sprellnick's backyards, plots #24 and #57 respectively�include: an ancient pair of Egyptian fake nose/eyeglasses; a petrified pair of ear-phones, through which it is rumored Henny Youngman routines or the ocean can be heard; Horst Mellancamp's complete vinyl collection of Barry Manilow's vast body of work, missing since June 1978; Cavendish Offswitch's missing 3rd and 4th grade report cards (both heavily marked "Unsatisfactory!" and "Does not play well with others!" in red ballpoint pen), and Lola Comstock's diaphragm, missing since October 1963.
   However, the primary find�reportedly a set of ancient scrolls, possibly of Hebraic origin�is being held under strict lock and key pending transfer to MIT's campus for further analysis. More on this as soon as it becomes available.

photo captions: [left] ancient Eqyptian fake nose/eyeglasses; [right] ancient earphones

.    .    .    .    .    .    .

SEQUIMISH COWSLIP-RUNDLE ASSAULTED;
HEINY FOUQUETTE SOUGHT FOR QUESTIONING
In yet another of several bewildering incidents, Millicent Cowslip-Rundle was reportedly assaulted late last evening outside the offices of the Sequim Ladies Auxiliary. Ms. Cowslip-Rundle described her assailant as a "crazed midget-like dog in a mangy wolf suit," who�despite the incongruity�"attempted to hump her leg." Our agent in the field reports Millicent escaped with minimal injuries and in dire need of a shower.
   Sheriff Shankweiller, acting in conjunction with the Sequim Police Department, is currently seeking Heiny Fouquette for questioning. If you have any information regarding Heiny's whereabouts or this incident, you may
�or may not�wish to contact the police.

profile :: lexie goodbody

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 23:12:34 GMT

MULTI-FACETED, EDGY AND UNPREDICTABLE, LEXIE GOODBODY is truly larger than life�internationally celebrated actor, stage director, producer, mixed-media artist, political activist, mini-mart magnate, art curator, mother and luminary�the list is seemingly endless.
   Born in Weed, California to disparate parents�Broadhurst 'Broad' Hempwell, a dominatrix, and his wife Murlie 'Lettuce-Rise!' Godspell, a Pentecostal minister�Lexie soon proved to be an exceptional beauty, and a highly intelligent but unfocused child. Historical experts have speculated Lexie's spotty childhood accomplishments may be attributable to a preponderance of mixed sub-liminal parental messages.
   The youngest of five children, Lexie showed a pronounced theatrical flare early on when her siblings�Bucky Sue, Doady, Digger, and Figg�returning after a event from which Lexie had been excluded would find the young girl lying prone in the gutter, moaning and sporting copious fake blood�a mute, but imaginative protest at being left behind.
   Shortly after Lexie was expelled from Weed Elementary & School of Cosmetology for peeing in her 4th grade homeroom teacher Furley Bevington's Top Raman noodles, Broadhurst and Murlie gathered their unruly brood together and moved to the Haight Ashbury district in San Francisco. This proved to be a defining moment for young Lexie. Awakened to the nation's cry for political change, Murlie changed her name to Merrilee Loveblossom, left the ministry and embraced the world of the flower children. Refusing to be left behind yet again, Lexie attended political rallies with her mother, where she passionately adopted myriad causes, from banning the war to stoping rampant pickle abuse. Her catchy slogans
�such as "My daddy'll whip your pickle, poo-poohead!" and "Nixon is a stupid numbnut!"�began popping up everywhere. Before long, Lexie's image�tiny fist raised in defiance�became the movement's symbol of childish innocence mixed with spicy, if confused, outrage.
   But notoriety exacted a heavy toll on Lexie and her family. Seeking relief from relentless newshounds and government agencies, Broad moved his family to Marysville. Lexie's creative gifts flourished at Rafe Forrester Elementary and the Comstock Academy of Artistic Arts, where she wrote, directed and starred in her first play�Leave Me, Love Me, Whatever�and went on to graduate with honors in drama and advanced macram� techniques.
   Shortly after graduation while working on an off, off, way-off Broadway rap adaptation of Lawrence of Arabia, Lexie met and fell in love with Mishka 'Moose' Mountmeenow, an impoverished, itinerant Russian lyricist. Although Moose was fated to meet his maker on the hood of a speeding volkswagon bus the following summer, his love union with Lexie produced the inimitable Eugenia Fairchilde. In his memory, Lexie formed Goodbody Productions, vowing to dedicate each show to her fallen love. And, of course, the rest is history.

photo captions: [top] Lexie Goodbody enjoys a java jolt at Suki's Diner; [middle] A hardcore thespian, Lexie suffers for her art like nobody else; [bottom] Lexie does Janice Vickery way off Broadway.

lost in translation

Fri, 27 May 2005 01:38:31 GMT

MYSTERIOUS TABLET UNEARTHED
Barely a week into their research, Professor Rupert Dickwell announced a startling find at the MIT Marysville dig: an ancient artifact (see below) bearing what would appear to be Sumerian hieroglyphics. The artifact�found at site #11, Bubba Lee Frietag's backyard�is presently undergoing radiocarbon dating, a process which uses scientific analysis of carbonized materials like charred seeds or burnt bone. Once its age and authenticity has been determined, it will then be deciphered by MIT's top linguistics team.
Given some speculation that the artifact's material might in fact be PlayDoh, Professor Dickwell was reluctant to offer any speculation regarding the meaning of the hieroglyphics. He did however confirm that such a find would be extremely unusual for this part of the world.
Other items of lesser importance unearthed in plot #11 were: a Volkswagon sparkplug, Lester Finkel's baseball mitt, a 1953 Arkansas license plate, two dimes, three pennies, and the remains of Mrs. Dowd, the Frietag's cat.

photo captions: [left] Grizz Dungworthy oversees digging in plot #11; [right] the Frietag artifact.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?
Sheriff Shankweiller released a statewide APB this morning seeking the whereabouts of Ferouk bin Femmel, ten year-old son of Omar and Biddie bin Femmel, who own and operate Femmel's Feed & Drug Emporium on Fifth and Main. Young Ferouk�reportedly missing for several days�was last seen in the rugged terrain northeast of Marysville.

"Ferouk followed Edna May when she was looking for the Baron's manor. He was just gonna see if she got in, then come back. Anyways, she came back, but he didn't," Dink B, a close friend of the missing boy, told reporters. "Hey, did anybody check the Tulalip Casino? He likes to watch those pictures spin on the slot machines. I timed him once, but stopped after five hours...it's way boring."

Overheard while being questioned by Deputy Murl McCoy as to why the bin Femmels waited to inform the police, Biddie bin Femmel replied heatedly: "Between the quads, the twins, Digby, Doris and Devon, 6 dogs, 3 horses, 5 geese and 42 meercats, not to mention our annual inventory and stock audits, who knew he was missing!!"
Police are awaiting Ms. Hurley's recovery from a severe bout of indigestion due to spam consumption before questioning her about the bin Femmel boy.
If you have any information regarding young Ferouk's disappearance, please contact Sheriff Shankweiller at Marysville PD immediately.

photo caption: Ferouk bin Femmel, aged 6; photo courtesy of the bin Femmel family.

Marysville welcomes MIT

Mon, 23 May 2005 22:48:27 GMT

MARYSVILLE TURNED OUT IN FULL GLORY to welcome MIT's research team as they arrived Saturday evening. Hoping to get in a good night's rest at Leticia's Mighty Fine Bungalows before setting up base camp on Sunday, the team tried to slip into town quietly. However, as fate and Mayor Bruckin-ridge would have it, they quickly learned a certain level of pomp and circum-stance is unavoidable in Marysville.
   As Professor Rupert Dickwell and his exhausted team stood gray-faced and haggard from galloping diarrhea contracted after eating the MexiCali Blue Plate Special at Suki's, Mayor Bruckinridge gave a thrilling, if protracted, welcoming speech, which he followed by presenting each member with a "Vote for Bucky!" button. He then introduced Mrs. Ruby Dander, who led her solemn fifth grade choir and orchestra in the first of a long, but carefully-selected, repertoire.
     Unfortunately ceremonies were cut short when four MIT researchers�Digby Featherton, Ozmond Dimholt, Jerrod Atherton and Grizwald 'Grizz' Dungworthy�hurled on the young choristers during their stirring rendition of Salva Me. Dripping and incensed, the youngsters left en masse. Visibly rattled and uncertain how to proceed, Mayor Bruckinridge quickly joined the retreating fifth graders. In a valiant attempt to save the proceedings, the Kit Schicker Trio struck up a ragged version of I Wear My Sunglasses at Night, a local favorite, but the sullen crowd would have none of it, and dispersed mid-chorus.
Although this much-anticipated scientific project failed to launch on a high note, we at Reflux eagerly await the team's findings. As they begin the arduous task before them, you may rest assured we will report each and every breakthrough, to ensure all is properly recorded for posterity.

photo captions: [right]  Mrs. Dander's fifth grade choir and orchestra moments before the hurling began.
[left] The MIT research team poses for photographers by Leticia's dumpster where they spent most of Sunday morning.

from ashes it shall arise

Thu, 19 May 2005 23:47:34 GMT

AFTER WATCHING THE SECOND HOME of the Marysville Disaster Prevention Center burn to the ground during the recent mysterious spate of arson attacks (incidentally, less than two months after its first site was demolished), community leaders H�rve and Lola Comstock swung into action to secure a new�and hopefully more secure�site for the Center. Sparing no expense, the Comstock's contracted Pfoebe & Pfellnick, cutting-edge architects from Puyallup renown for forward thinking, to design and oversee the new building's erection.
   The stunning artist's rendering below, unveiled at a wine and cheese dip ceremony in the City Hall Recreational Room, is visual proof the Comstocks chose well. Clearly Pfoebe & Pfellnick fully grasped the gravity and imperative of this project.
   To commemorate the auspicious launching of this venture, Mayor Bruckenridge formally announced the center will henceforth be called: the Marysville Disaster Mitigation Center.

photo captions: [top] Peter Pfillnick, of Pfoebe & Pfillnick, studies architectual plans for the new disaster mitigation center | click for larger image
[bottom] architectural rendering of completed project

DEAR EDNA: I have a friend who recently came into possession of�er, candid�photos of someone who was recently believed deceased, and then wasn't. My friend is wondering if it would be in bad form to sell said photos, which are pretty hot. He was also concerned about possible copyright issues, and if you could recommend any prospective buyers.
~Concerned 3rd Party
   Marysville, WA

Dear Concerned: Bug la B�ouf, you give every photo�and I mean all of them, including the negatives�to Ashen immediately! Don't make me slap you silly, boy!
~Edna May

PLS casting announced

Mon, 16 May 2005 18:05:56 GMT

LEXIE GOODBODY, of Goodbody Productions, has announced casting for her upcoming�and eagerly anticipated�production, Porcupine Love Song, a post-modern deconstruction of the classic opera, Madame Butterfly. Rehearsals are expected to begin shortly.

CASTING :: PORCUPINE LOVE SONG
Butterfly Porcupine: Isabella Guadalupe Santiago de la Jauntanamerra

Pinkerton Porcupine: Vincenzo Amaretto

Featured dancers, players: Enzo Siebel, Ashen,* Insie Somniac (nude pas de deus with Ashen*), Edna May Hurley (Butoh solo), Faramir Naboukov & Desmond Tutu (Feral Feet Dance Troupe), Daniel Caiaphas and Ernesto Ortiz-d'Montevideo.

Chorus: Chet Hutton & the Rafe Forrester
Elementary Choir

lighting design: Enzo Seibel, Ashen
running crew: Dink B

*Assuming new incarnation allows

profile :: edna may hurley

Tue, 10 May 2005 20:36:01 GMT

HOW DOES ONE PROFILE the enigma that is Edna May Hurley? First it must be noted that Edna was the product of identical twin mothers �Ermal Jeanne and Lavonna Marie Gribbock, Siamese twins who shared a conjoined body. Two heads being better than one�at least in Marysville
�the Gribbock sisters were viewed as talismans of good fortune. Thus when the two met and married Hooter Hurley and in the fullness of time gave birth to Edna May, the event was heralded as an auspicious occasion...an omen of great good to come.
   However, that belief was discarded when two years later on Edna May's birthday, Marysville experienced its first recorded calamity... the Deadly Day of Exploding Frogs. Coincidentally, it was also the day of Edna May's greatest personal tragedy, when her mothers�both headstrong and nervous women�fled in panic from the mass frog suicide in separate directions. Traumatized by the amphibian carnage and the sight of her mothers' ragged flight and subsequent abandonment, Edna May became mute and recalcitrant. After unsuccessful attempts to place her with family members, Edna was transferred to the care of the Marysville Sanitarium, where she resided until her 18th year, at which time she regained her ability to speak and joined the staff of Reflux as a cub reporter documenting local wildlife.
   While conducting field research on local mutant species, Edna May met and fell in love with Heiny Fouquette, a young itinerant French circus midget. Their epic romance went south when Heiny�forced to fill in for a sick performer�served as the rear-end of a performing yak act, and became infatuated with Fanny O'Toole, the other half of the act...setting in motion an equally epic vendetta between the two star-crossed lovers.
   On the rebound and loaded for bear, Edna May quickly moved up the corporate ladder, becoming Refluxive editor at the tender age of 19...this primarily due to the sudden dearth of prospects for the position.
   But journalism alone could not fully sate Edna's need for creative expression. Seeking to broaden her artistic pursuits, she auditioned with Goodbody Productions for a role in their mega-hit, Why, Wesley?!!...a water buffalo's tale, or Pride & Passion in the Paddies. Awarded the role of Waving Grain #53, Edna thrilled the opening night audience when she misread a cue and flattened the entire rice paddy ensemble in a fabulous rolling domino effect
...and of course the rest is history.

oh the ignominy

Sun, 08 May 2005 16:11:01 GMT

IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION that our earlier public notice of Ashen's demise was premature. This error was in part due to the following entry on Ashen's blog:

Tuesday, May 03, 2005
My Learning Curve Is Flat-Lining

It's Finals Week. My brain hurts.
Ow, ow, ow.
Ow.

Posts will be haphazard and entry times forged, especially on Brain Enema. Deal with it.

Argh, my brain...it's curdling in my skull...
*dies*

Posted at 04:56 pm by Ashen

While it maybe be somewhat understandable that certain editorial staff may not fully grasp the concept of statements made with tongue planted firmly in cheek, it is painfully clear that we as a leading community publication must reinstate mandatory staff training in news source verification.
We at Reflux offer our deepest apologies to Ashen, Esther and the public at large. Please rest assured we have not abandoned our coda: "Truth in publishing...
no matter how distasteful."

Sincerely,
Refluxive Board of Directors

we wept, we sang, we partied

Sat, 07 May 2005 17:14:19 GMT

THE HEAVENS THEMSELVES WEPT as Marysville gathered yester-day�beneath an appropriately ashen sky�to bid farewell to one of their own.
As candlelight bathed the ornate, origami'd walls of Our Lady of Unspecific Sorrows, throngs of bereaved held sparklers as friends and almost fellow thespians offered tear-soaked tributes to Ashen, beloved friend and would-be hoofer:

"She arrived in our midst with no warning other than the wet hay-smell of her ass. How quickly we all fell in love with that aroma and her charming, androgynous, fast witted, enigmatic ways..." �Enzo Siebel

"Oh Ashen, I hardly knew ye. Actually, I knew ye not at all. But I'm pleased it wasn't me that steaked you and set you on fire. It must have been Enzo." �Daniel Caiaphas

"She was like a triple dose of espresso laced with uppers...to use another's phrase, truly a 40-watt bulb in a 60-watt world. Mornings will never be the same without her." �Edna May Hurley
[ed. note: Edna accidentally reversed bulb wattage. We, and she, apologize for the flub.]

"It's sad to loose someone who had such a creative approach to gender...I still hope to put her ass on stage, if we can locate it."
�Lexie Goodbody

"I remember romping through fields with Ashen, sans apparel, celebrating our lack of genitalia...She was so young, she held such promise!" �Insie Somniac

"She was the quintessential dance partner, with the exception of Desmond of course. My thighs are positively aching with angst...and grief. Having to find a new third is a real pisser." �Faramir Naboukov

"Vell, I vill shure mees Ashen...Und if dey vant me to mount her ashes in my taxidermy shoop, dey've got anoter ting comen, ya shure ya betcha!" �Ivar Upenstoof

"I did not know Ashen well, but I felt like I knew her better than I probably really did, but she was always fun, or at least confusing, and whenever I would read (hear) what she had to say, I'd ask myself how my life had come to this..."
�Johannes Shmadokieliovitch

"I liked her/him, but I never knew what he/she was talking about....weird, weird person." �Ernesto Ortiz d'Montevideo

"She had a really, really nice ass. I wanted to keep it, but they wouldn't let me."
�Vinnie Amaretto

"She was my life. and she was hot."
�Dink Beerback

"Vut're yuu goink on aboot? Ashen who?! Dees people hare fersnooken! Ivaaaar!!!"
�Sven & Kjellfrid Upenstoof

As the haunting strains of Me, My Donkey & I ended, mourners filed silently from the cathedral to join a solemn processional�led by Dink B and Daniel Caiaphas (carrying Ashen's pseudo-ashes in a 15th century jade urn, donated by DunkelZaubern, "Gothic trinkets & oddities")�down Main Street to the waterfront where her ashes were scattered over Puget Sound.
After several heart-felt but badly sung verses of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot (due primarily to convulsive sneezing caused by blowback), the mourners quietly dispersed to ready for a citywide wake�one of the largest street parties ever held in the history of Marysville, complete with sweeping megawatt, colored klieg lights and big top attractions.
In a final farewell, beneath a night sky filled with fireworks, Marysville celebrated the light and joyous spirit that was Ashen. She and her ass will be missed.

editorial note: Please see this entry's comments for full memorial tributes. We encourage you to add one of your own.

hysteria sweeps marysville

Thu, 05 May 2005 18:13:51 GMT

OH, THE IRONY! On the eve of what promises to be one of Marysville's greatest historical moments�the arrival of MIT's vaunted research team�we find our community gripped in one of hysteria.
While information is still being processed, we can confirm the following reports of sporadic, but widespread mayhem:

According to our sources, public areas�including the communal hot tub and Marysville Water Works Fountains�have been vandalized by unknown individuals in the throes of what must be one of the worst cases of indigestion we've ever seen.
Litterally overnight, Marysville's pristine streets have been festooned with piles of internal organs�whether beast or human is uncertain, as Sheriff Shankweiller has sealed all outgoing information pending an official investigation.
Numerous residents, all of ethnic origin, have reportedly vanished without a trace...this following rumors of a wild-eyed young man, who was seen racing through the community accosting foreign nationals and brandishing a premium cut filet mignon.
Coincidentally, we've received word that umpires�both major and minor league, as well as school-based�have left the city in droves, bringing academic and professional sports to a grinding halt until replacements can be found.
And lastly, numerous fires have been reported throughout the city and residential areas. Luckily, due to the heroic efforts of both residents and Marysville's outstanding Fire Department, only two buildings burned beyond recovery: the Bleeker Building on 5th & Pinehurst�the second recently appointed site of the Marysville Disaster Prevention Center, and an apartment complex on the west side. It is unclear if these fires were deliberately set, or occurred due to spontaneous combustion.

Digby Frimmel, co-owner of Frimmel & Niedermeyer Wedding Accessories, told our reporter:

"I'm telling you it's the water. I haven't seen anything like this since the city sewage system backed up in 1943! It was awful! People just went crazy."

While we at Reflux continue to dig for clues as to the cause of this rampant bizarre behavior, we fervently hope it will abate shortly, and pray it will neither negatively impact MIT's view of our town, nor jeopardize its place in history as an MIT-sanctioned sacred site.

photo caption: The smoking remains of the Bleeker Building, new location of the Marysville Disaster Prevention Center.

marysville in mourning

Wed, 04 May 2005 23:12:59 GMT

IT IS OUR GRIEVOUS DUTY to announce the death of Ashen, one of Marysville's most beloved residents. Although details of her passing remain sketchy, it is believed she was a victim of massive brain implosion. It is still unclear whether Esther, Ashen's donkey, was also a victim...while one's ass does tend to die with its owner, we must remember that such is not always the case, especially in Marysville.
   To commemorate Ashen's tragic demise, the people of Marysville have scheduled a memorial service to take place at Our Lady of Unspecific Sorrows on May 6 at 5:00 pm, to be followed by a solemn street procession to the Puget Sound waterfront, where pseudo-Ashen ashes will be cast upon the waters.
   All are invited to attend memorial ceremonies, and join us in a townwide street party immediately after, which will include circus acts and a big top, to celebrate Ashen's joyous spirit. She will be missed.
   Gate proceeds will go towards the care of Esther, should she prove to be alive. If not, Millie Pangborn needs a new car, so it might go toward that. We're not sure.

In loving memory,
the grieving residents of Marysville

dish it with gerta

Mon, 02 May 2005 20:58:46 GMT

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN, LOVIES! And have I got some dirty bits for yooooou! Marysville is positively awash in them. Shall we begin?

tall, dark and delicious...
There's a new mystery man in town, ladies (be still our hearts!). You'll recognize him by the slick black gloves he habitually wears. And while his background yet eludes me (but not for long, dearies...not for long), I was able to dig up a tasty clue regarding his association with someone known as the Russian. More when we have it on this one, children.

graveside manners...
What's up with a certain little person who's been seen haunting the Keener & Rubenstein Cemetery under a full moon�dressed in a fullbody dog suit, no less, and scent-marking tombstones? Joining a furry club is one thing, sweetie, but desecrating burial plots? Shame on you!

lost in translation...
What lovely, but bedraggled, new import from Spain was seen recently streaking naked through Marysville's streets like the hounds of hell were after her?

the streets are alive...
And speaking of which, who�or what�is behind a wave of �ber-vandalism that has struck our fair town? Yak remnants in the communal hot tub? Piles of...I dare not guess what...dotting the streets? Buildings going up in flames overnight? And an odd report of residents with accents disappearing like flies? Not to mention a sudden drastic drop in our varkling population? We can't help but wonder if this isn't in some way tied to Edna's recent interview with another mysterious resident.

maybe it's the water...
As if Lexie Goodbody's last production wasn't wild enough, word is that her new show, Porcupine Love Song, is already promising to be a real eye-opener. The cast hasn't even been set yet, and the fur is already flying! Time to break out the chair and cat o' nine tails, Lexie love?

ready or not...
Brace yourselves, my dears. My eyes and ears tell me MIT's research survey is scheduled to arrive anon. Hide your linen, and let the digging commence!

And that's it for today, children. This is Gerta Gestalt, bidding you adieu until our next dirtfest.