PLEASE BE ADVISED, contrary to widespread rumor, Ms. Edna May Hurley is not—I stress NOT—one of our Holey Order. Nor is she a Novice-in-Training. Nor may she conduct Last Rites for the dying.
   Following the unfortunate incident involving Sister Ignacio, Ms. Hurley and the Marysville Men's Glee Club, Ms Hurley was promptly red-listed on our non-admittance log.
   We are appealing to all parishioners of Our Lady of Unspecifc Sorrows, as well as the non-Catholic community, who are going to Hell but we love you anyway:  should you see Ms. Hurley, please prevail upon her to return both her habit—cleaned, pressed and unsullied—and Father Julio's 13th century silver Communion Chalice. Use force if necessary. The used dixie cup she left in its stead is simply unacceptable.
   I thank you for your assistance. The sisters thank you. God thanks you.

Yours in Holey Servitude,

Mary Maybelline in Eccelsia, LLP, MdS
Mother Superior
Our Lady of Unspecific Sorrows & Holey Order